Goodbye, Anna Nicole. Finally.

Dear Anna Nicole Smith,

I would just like to say goodbye, as you have left South Florida’s shores and headed to your eternal home in the Bahamas. I understand you were buried in a coffin covered in pink feathers?…it sounds fetching. I wouldn’t really know, as I no longer watch any of your stories on television. I haven’t even read much of this Herald article that is the root of this letter; but then again, that’s not really the fault of anyone but the Herald, as they rarely use English that’s above a third grade level. But I digress.

I was very saddened to hear of your death, as I honestly enjoyed your antics in public life. But I am more grossed-out by the soul-less harpings of all your hangers-on, who are obviously just using your name for one last shot in the spotlight. It amazes me that the media is treating your death like you were Princess Diana, with police escorts of your casket which blocked entrance ramps…for people who had to, I don’t know, perhaps get to work ot lead their lives in some way. Such drama. Obviously once all the court cases are settled, none of them will matter ever again, and they know this is their last shot to bask in the limelight. So they will continue to drag it out for as long as possible. It’s a testament to how little any of these people actually cared about you when you were alive. You must have had a very lonely life.

So out of respect, and due to my raging case of nausea, I won’t pay attention to the paternity case for your daughter, which is going to start taking over our televisions very soon. One must wonder why everyone won’t just get a DNA test and call it a day; they give those “who’s the daddy” tests for free on the Montel William Show all the time, it’s really easy. But again, that would be the end of the media circus. Luckily your mother won’t be able to sue anyone about that one, as she obviously isn’t the father. Although I presume she’s trying to think of a way to lay that claim, too.

On behalf of all of South Florida, I say goodbye. I’m still saddened by your death, but it is a relief to get your and all of your crazy “friends” out of my hometown, so perhaps the news can talk about something else. I do think you would have enjoyed the pink-feathered coffin, had you not been already dead. But it’s too late for you, and everyone around you is just doing it all for themselves. I hope your grave is not washed away by all the crocodile tears they will undoubtedly shed.

God bless, darling. It must have been one hell of a life.

An ‘over-the-top’ goodbye for Anna Nicole [Miami Herald]

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